Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
