hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
