a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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