My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
