After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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