you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize