I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
