Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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