Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
