you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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