I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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