If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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