It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
