Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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