After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
