Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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