You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
