Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
COCAINE IS GR8
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