I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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