oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
