Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
