When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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