Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
