at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
