I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
