someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
