I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
