If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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