I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
