I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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