im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize