At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize