My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
