How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
