We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
