my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
