the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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