is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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