i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
