It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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