yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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