i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
