Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
