my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
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