Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
