Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
