my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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