if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
