my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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