3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
