i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
