I wish I could punch you in the face.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
