Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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