i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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