i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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