I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize