I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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