@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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