im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
