And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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