come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
